What a crazy ride! If you’re still joining me here, thank you for coming back. I really do believe that God can speak to different people through different ways and I pray that He uses this to do something special with you all. If it’s your first time, welcome! I hope you can rewind to the last post before you read this one. But even if you just read this one, thats okay as well!
Let’s jump right in.
I feel like after last week’s post it is important to remember that not every desire in our heart is a Godly desire. After all, Jeremiah 17:9 tells us clearly “The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick; who can understand it?” (ESV). We live in our sinful flesh so our hearts will reflect this from time to time. This simply emphasizes the dire need to draw closer to God. The more we seek God, the more He replaces our fleshly desires with those that He wants for us.
It’s truly interesting the way God does this too.
The desires that He starts placing in our hearts are reflective of His very own heart (as mentioned in the previous post). So truly, as we begin to know our hearts more, we begin to know God’s heart more and hopefully through this process we desire more of God and less of ourselves (John 3:30).
The very beginning is God and the very end is God and even the in-between is also all God.
So let’s jump right into this, shall we?
In the previous post I brought up the three basic desires of a woman’s heart. I know y’all are dying to know more so here goes.
The first of these desires is the desire to be romanced.
“At some core place, maybe deep within, perhaps hidden or buried in her heart, every woman wants to be seen, wanted, and pursued. We want to be romanced” (Captivating, Eldredge, 2010, p. 11).
Lets be honest, how special do you feel when that guy your heart skips a beat for is paying attention to you? He’s making time for you, he’s invested, he’s pursuing you… really pursuing you and fighting for you. You feel like the best strawberry in the field! “He picked me!” (You can say that in a southern accent if you fancy). It’s every girls desire, even growing up. For a little girl it is the desire to be wanted by our fathers, to be seen and fought for by the most important man in our lives.
Think back to that last romantic comedy you watched. There was probably a love battle consisting of a guy fighting to win the love of a beautiful woman maybe cast by Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling. I know you’ve watched the Notebook, don’t lie. The woman might have put up a fight but all-in-all the chase made her feel like a queen. It made her feel wanted. And as we watch the story unfold, our tissue boxes in hand, we wonder if we will ever be wanted by someone in that same way. In that moment it almost even seems silly because it’s a fictional movie, right?! But the desire is real and it goes beyond those 90-120 minutes of film time.
Sometimes, these moments of wondering will even lead us to question whether we are even good enough to be wanted so badly that a person is willing to purchase an expensive plane ticket just to run through an airport terminal and beg us to stay. For some of us, the answer has been given to us many times before and so we lean towards that same answer over and over again, “pfft, I wish”. No one has ever demonstrated that sort of passion and pursuit so it would be bizarre and way too unrealistic to think that any one ever will. The desire, however, still very much lives and breathes inside of us.
All I can say about this from a personal perspective is that yes, this desire is very much true for me as well. I will leave it without explanation. Maybe one day I can come back to this and be strong enough to share a personal anecdote but for now all I can say is that you are most definitely not alone, girl. *insert fabulous girl emoji here*
Let’s switch it over to what really matters and what I feel will do this first point the most justice.
It is beautiful to see how much this says about God.
It turns out that God is that crazy guy running through an airport terminal just to catch us.
We’re running away because we don’t feel that we matter. Because we are confronted with lies, we are confronted with infidelities, we are confronted with broken relationships, we are confronted with broken hearts and broken desires but God is literally pursuing us as we continue to run. Have you ever read the story of Hosea and Gomer? Seriously, if you haven’t you should! The book Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers paints a beautiful picture of this story as well. The Lord tells Hosea to literally go seek and pursue a woman of whoredom and make her his wife. Gomer continued to run away and the Lord continued to tell Hosea to seek her and fight for her. Hosea’s continuous pursuit for Gomer, despite all the times she would run, was a reflection of God’s pursuit of the people of Israel. No matter how far God’s people would fall, He sought them out. God wanted them to know that there was redemption, there was a love that covered all of their sin.
An even better portrayal of God’s pursuit of us is shown through this: “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things” (Romans 8:32, ESV).
God pursues us to the point of giving His one and only son for us on a cross.
How is it that this does not make us feel like a queen?
Something even more beautiful is that this basic desire reflects the fact that God also desires to be pursued by us. Can you believe it? The most uncool people ever, yes I mean you and me. He wants us to seek Him. He desires for us to seek Him.
God wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority to someone. How could we have missed this? From cover to cover, from beginning to end, the cry of God’s heart is, “Why won’t you choose me?” It is amazing to me how humble, how vulnerable God is on this point. “You will… find me,” says the Lord, “when you seek me with all your heart” (Jer. 29:13). In other words, “Look for me, pursue me – I want you to pursue me.” Amazing. As Tozer says “God waits to be wanted”. (Wild at Heart, Eldredge, 2010, p. 37)
I can pretty much just close this up now and all has been said. Just let those words simmer and penetrate the deepest parts of you. God wants to be wanted, just as we want to be wanted.
This weekend was one where this point was brought up a lot in almost every conversation I was a part of. How many times do we choose to choose someone else over God or something else even? The craziest part is that in the moments we do choose to not choose God, those are the times where our desire to be wanted grows because we just aren’t finding what we are looking for. Our hearts want more, we desire more. Let me tell ya something, in that very same exact moment God is filling your heart with what His heart is filled with; He wants more, He desires more of you, of your time, of your love. God wants to be romanced just as we do, ladies. Don’t miss this.
He calls us His beloved. Although we tend to not choose Him, He chooses us and desires for us to one day realize that He is the best choice we can ever make.
I pray that as you read this, these words will be more than just words. I pray that as you continue to journey through this you can come to the realization that Jesus is all you need and nothing else will ever satisfy. Stop whatever you’re doing, pursue Him and trust me, you will find Him and He will fulfill the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4).
Woah. Okay. So I have been dreading writing this. You’re probably thinking “then why did you commit to this you dummy?!” But it’s not what you’re thinking, really. I want to do this but already I feel like the stuff that I am reading and the stuff that is being revealed within my own heart is kind of, sort of, kicking me in the gut… repeatedly. I am already learning so much about myself that it is almost scary. And what is scarier is to share this with all of you. I trust y’all, but I don’t trust y’all with all of my broken pieces lol [insert ‘lol’ to lighten mood]. It’s hard to trust anyone with your broken pieces, with your opinions, with your passions, with your heart’s desires. Am I right? But really, why is it so scary? Why is it so dreadful? Why do we, beautiful women, hide our hearts away from the world?
We tend to not really consider our heart as important and the truth is that we are simply responding to the way that the world views the desires of our hearts. I mean, remember a time when you really poured your heart out over something that you felt and the response received was “wow, can you really just stop being so dramatic” or “you need to relax, you’re seriously overreacting”. It’s tough out here for a woman, let me tell ya, and I realize that my heart is full of unexpressed desires that I am scared or ashamed to share because they might not be accepted.
I am not enough, and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone. (Eldredge, 2010, p. 7)
Shame. We are ashamed of our very own hearts because of the lack of importance given to it by the world and we believe the world! Ain’t that a funny thing?
A person’s heart is the most important thing about them, especially a woman’s heart. Proverbs 4:23 emphasizes the importance of a person’s heart by saying “above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (NIV). Everything we do flows from our heart but ironically it is the one thing people tend to mistreat. A woman’s heart is valuable. I’ll say this in a more personal way and I’ll invite you to do the same. Read this out loud with me why don’t cha? My heart is valuable. And everything that flows from my heart is important as well. Just because it is a woman’s heart doesn’t mean it is too girly to count. “Your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities – as a reflection of God’s own heart” (Eldredge, 2010, p. 8).
I can’t even believe that my heart is a reflection of God’s very own heart?
Are you kidding?!
NO! This is not a drill! Our hearts reflect the heart of God. After all, God did make man and woman in His image didn’t He? And so God fills our hearts with desires that serve as clues to who we really are as women and the role we are meant to play in this life. Which, are very important details in understanding and appreciating a woman, or better yet, understanding and appreciating ourselves.
So it all comes down to this, as Stasi Eldredge explains:
Every woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. Thats what makes a woman come alive. (2010, p. 9)
[I will go into more detail about each of these desires in the coming posts.]
In our hiding, in our shame, we rob ourselves of actually living.
In my own life, I have felt that many times I prefer not to share what I feel and the desires that lay within my tiny little heart. Yes, I even downsize my heart. I picture my heart to be like a little hazelnut. But hey, Nutella is made with hazelnut and Nutella is the best! Okay okay, not at all a worthy comparison but here is where I start to get a little nervous; when I have to talk about myself. *But you promised B, you promised*. Alright, enough Nutella. Well, never enough Nutella but anyway.
Stasi takes it back to those childhood days within chapter one and this is where it gets tricky for me. Remember when you were a little girl and you twirled and twirled in the prettiest little dresses and you said what you felt in your heart. If you wanted to be a princess you said “Look at me, I’m a princess!” and everyone turned and looked at you twirling. It is very possible that just like me you may not even relate to this. I know for a fact that if I were to have done that 1. my brother would probably still be making fun of me ’til this day or 2. my cuban parents would have grabbed me by my twirling skirt and said “que princi ni princi, no chibes mas”. The reality of it is that many times as a kid where I tried to be outspoken I was ignored by people who mattered most. There eventually comes a time where expressing yourself and being rejected gets old and well, you know what happens next.
In my family, expression of self was never something that was encouraged. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t frowned upon either but it was just never, how do you say, expressed. It was rare to hear someone tell another person what they were desiring or what they were passionate about. It created a, sort of, taboo environment within the home. I watched my siblings at times be bold enough to speak up about things and, well, the responses were never very smooth. There was a time where I even thought that I could be totally expressive about everything but nope. So for the most part, my feelings, my dreams, my passions, my heart were kept hidden inside just so that they wouldn’t bother those around me. I went from being this loud, obnoxious, little chubby girl to being this introverted, reserved and quiet woman. My environment as a child shaped my development into adulthood. The fact that I never felt that my words would be counted as something meant to actually listen to eventually made me begin to believe that my heart was not of any value or worth. So at times, I let it fly with whomever and wherever and it sure did break often. So much of the same repeated hurt can eventually cluster up and make you believe the craziest of things about yourself. Such things like “I am not important” or “I am not worth anyone’s time” or even “I am just a nuisance, it’s better if I go unnoticed”. I eventually began to respond to to my own heart the way that I perceived others did; it is not of any importance. In a sense, I decided not to accept who I was as a woman or as a child of God.
I now realize that I have viewed my own heart as less than what God says it is and I see how this view has affected my day-to-day. It holds me back from being who I really am meant to be. It makes me insecure and fearful of what others will think of me. It hinders me from fully using my gifts and my talents to serve God. It holds me back from building meaningful relationships. It makes me hide away and not want to be vulnerable and it makes others think that I just don’t care to try. It even translates over into my relationship with God and the way that I view Him. It limits my faith and my trust in Him. It even affects the way I let God love on me. Christ literally died for me to show me He loves me and here I am limiting His love because I cannot even love myself! I can sit here and read Psalm 139 over and over again and talk about how fearfully and wonderfully made scripture says I am but if I do not actually believe and apply and begin to value my own heart then there is no way I can let anyone else value it for me.
I know its tough and society is a jerk but tonight I challenge you to stop replaying how the world has responded to your passions and your heart’s desires and take hold of the truth that your heart is important. So important, in fact, that it is what matters most to God.
“The LORD doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7, NIV)
I pray that we can begin to see ourselves through the eyes of the one who created us. I pray that, as we embark on this journey, God can show us our true hearts and give us the courage to value it just as much as He does. I pray that as we move forward we can learn how to simply glimpse at the past only to see how far we have come and not to dwell in it or keep us trapped. I pray that we can draw nearer to God and let him chip away the walls that we have built around our hearts that keep Him out of it. There is so much that God has in store for us. I am excited and expectant!
Everyone has a life journey.
My life journey has consisted of failures, breakthroughs, and everything in between. My journey began as a kid when I failed to choose to believe my worth in God and chose to believe the worth that society placed over me. As I got older, choosing to ignore society became more and more difficult. Society and their opinion of me were eventually engraved in my brain. My journey took a new route when I decided to start walking towards the truth and start doing all that I can to renew my mind and actually believe this truth. Within the past few years I have felt seasons where I thought I reached my goal and I thought I had overcome but shortly after those moments I felt myself fall again. There were instances where people walked in and out of my life and in the blink of an eye it was almost as if everything I had worked so hard on had been undone. There have been many realizations through this journey. First, that this is not a journey I can embark upon on my own. Second, that weakness is okay and I shouldn’t hide it. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). Lastly, that I would have to be patient because, well, Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither will I.
I am ready to share all of my struggles and victories with you all with the help of a book called “Captivating” by John & Stasi Eldredge. Using the guided journal I will share with you all every week a few things that I learn about what God says about me and how He sees me and the things that I learn about my own value as a woman but not just any ordinary woman, a child of God.
This journey technically has a destination, and this destination is self-acceptance. But I do believe, however, that this weakness is what will always keep me dependent on God. I have come to realize those moments where I “think” I have made it have caused me to fall because I have said “Wow, I’m here God, Thanks, G’bye now”. So maybe this journey is more than just self-acceptance, this journey is also about total and complete surrender and dependence on God. I believe that if I am able to completely lay down every inch of my being at the feet of Jesus that self-acceptance will come and it will come through the best eyes that I could ever see through; God’s eyes.
I pray that sharing this journey will help those of you who might struggle with accepting yourselves as well. This is not something that is solely for me, if it were it would be selfish. I desire to be God’s hands and feet on this earth so I want nothing more than for my life to be of service to God and maybe even help others heal and work through their own struggles.
You, yes you, the beautiful and captivating person reading this, you are not alone. Lets journey together and find out how captivating we truly are in the eyes of the one who made us this way.
Fearfully & Wonderfully
It’s been a while since I’ve shared my thoughts/opinion/life on here. Reason being? I was asked as a favor to basically disappear from the face of the earth for reasons unknown only to the person who asked me.
And well, I exist and that can’t be undone. #sorrynotsorry
So I should be updating y’all soon with some of my struggles and victories in the last year/months. It’s been a doozy.
If and when I eat a chicken salad, my main goal is to save all the pieces of chicken from drowning in the leaves of lettuce. So yes, often times you’ll find me digging through my salad for chicken and yes often times when there are no more pieces of chicken left in my salad I complete my mission and I’m done eating.
So why I didn’t just get chicken instead of a whole salad? Sadly that’s a question I’ll never be able to answer.
People will overlook pretty much anything in a person for fear of being alone.
Even the biggest things that they are so passionately against become “ok” if they convince themselves enough.
Today I did a lot of waiting.
I waited 2 hours to be seen at the eye doctor and then 20 extra mins for my pupils to dilate. Then, I waited half hour before I could kind of see something so that I can go to the mall and run errands. Then I was forced to wait in the parking lot of the mall because hurricane Andrew decided to make a second stop in S. FL. Today so I couldn’t get out of the car. Eventually I was just so tired of waiting. My fluffy eyebrows can wait another day to get painfully groomed by the Indian ladies at the eyebrow threading place. So I left. I backed out of my very great parking space and headed for the exit. As I continued my pattern and waited there for the red light to turn green, it stops raining. It stops raining. I couldn’t believe it. Of course I turned right around and went back into the mall parking lot and power walked right into the mall.
It feels as if sometimes you wait, and wait, and wait for something and sometimes it just doesn’t happen. It’s easy to give up waiting and drive away but God’s timing is always on point.
My eyebrows got fixed, and my mom got her Father’s Day gift card for my brother taken care of.
Wait if you must. It’ll happen.
What drives you crazy bananas?! Everyone has things that will just flip their switch. Here are a few thing that gross, annoy, or just simply bother the heck out of me.
If I find a hair in my food, my entire meal is ruined. Even if it was just one and it came from my very own head.
Feet/toes make me feel yucky. I do have feet and I have my own set of toes but don’t even with someone else’s toes/feet.
When a person makes noise with a potato chip bag trying to grab a potato chip; like seriously, just pour them out on a napkin.
Really slow people in front of me in a line. Not that I’m inpatient but if the ball is rolling and you’re just strolling, you better get moving too.
Not knowing where I’m going if I’m in the drivers seat. If I’m driving, there’s a destination cause I’m not about being lost.
Being confused. I hate not understanding something. Especially math, or science. It makes me wanna cry.
When I take something seriously and someone else takes it as a joke. Don’t even.
When my mom or my grandmother snacks my rear just because. I’m 24, I don’t think it’s enjoyable or funny.
When I set myself a snack on the counter and I turn to put the things away and someone passes by and “just grabs one”. Pfft, like I didn’t notice?
I’m sure I have more. I’m not easily bothered, I promise. Most of these things happen very seldom.